Feeling Rich, Feeling Poor, My Story Around Abundance

I see a lot of courses out there about how to create abundance in your life facilitated by well meaning teachers who have yet to create abundance in their own lives.

I am a firm believer that we teach what we need to learn and many times I myself have taught and facilitated around topics where I wasn't quite there yet, and I do believe I still had a lot to give, but when it comes to this topic of money and attracting abundance, I feel like there are so many layers to it that it would be really hard to get what you need from a teacher who has not worked through those blocks to some extent, to a major extent.

No I am not coming out with a new course lol at least not right now but I did just see something come across my feed and thought I'd share some of my own personal story around this.

Awhile back, perhaps a year or year and half ago, I sat in my mastermind group and "said I just want to be able to buy myself a coat if I need to." That's how tight things were. I live in one of the states with the highest cost of living, I am single and was primarily supporting myself from my paintings and classes. I made just enough to pay my bills. I never had savings, I never had really extra for something like a new winter coat. I felt poor, I felt like a victim, I felt like I could not get ahead and in my mind I had no idea how I could possibly create wealth or be comfortable financially. As a matter of perspective while I felt poor I live in a well sought after village, in a lovely apartment and so I really was not "poor" but that is never what's it's really about. It's about the feeling. If you feel poor, you will believe you are poor. If you are unable to take in all the ways you are rich you will consistently feel inadequate, not enough, and lacking in some way.

The roots of these feelings of "being poor" were strong. They were generational, stories around money not being available, stories around unworthiness, around having to watch money like a hawk, lest it go away, were rampant in my upbringing. There was also great anger around money and it was often used as a tool for power. It was doled out very carefully.

I grew up on welfare then as a young adult went to live in a luxury building with my Dad. It was all very confusing but this little taste of the "good life" helped me plant a seed for wanting more, it was the beginning of me realizing there was more.

In my adult years, money has come and gone in my life in large quantities about three times and each time I end up feeling poor again, unable to sustain the energy of abundance in my life. It was never about the money, it was about the energy of feeling rich and not being able to sustain that level of richness in my soul. I have gone from owning a half a million dollar house to declaring bankruptcy in my lifetime. That is my particular pattern with money, a pattern I have been examining for quite some time now.

I think we all have a pattern and it is often steeped in our beliefs and wounding around money. I also believe the pattern has some very important information about how we dance with money.

What I'm learning even as we speak is that I needed to feel poor, to feel those feelings, to trace them back, to sit in them, examine them and let them go on a consistent daily basis. I also realized that the things that make me feel the most rich in my life are intimate relationships with friends, working on projects, being creative, and noticing what I do have and embodying my gratitude daily.

There are some practical pieces like planning income ahead of time instead of flying by the seat of my pants every month which is what I did for years but mainly it is about the energy, and the healing of those stories we all still carry. I've also noticed that I carry that energy in other areas of my life as well..the "No I can't have that" belief transfers to so many other things and it is a practice of saying yes to what I want that helps to keep me focused on desire instead of lost in the wanting.

This is a rather simplified version of what I consistently work on to create more abundance in my life but I hope this small window into my own process is helpful to someone today.

I know this may seem deeply personal to make public, but if you know me, you know I wear my heart on my sleeve, you know I don't shy away from difficult conversations, and that I hope that by sharing I can help someone who may be going through similar struggles. I don't consider money a dirty word either. I believe talking about it helps to lift the veil of shame.

Sacred Geometry 2 by Artistcellar "Breath of Light Painting"

When I was asked to participate in the Artistcellar Blog Hop for the first time I was so excited. I couldn't wait to get my hands on the Sacred Geometry 2 set. It's so me! 

Here are in progress photos using this set while creating my new painting "Breath of Light".

(Be sure to read till the end as I will be sharing how you can win a set of these stencils. Yay!)

First I started with just laying some paint on the canvas.

One of my favorite things to do is to lay some color on top of another, then place a stencil over it and pull out the 2nd layer color with a baby wipe or wet paper towel.

This time I waited too long to pull the color easily and so I whipped out my spray bottle with water and a bit of flow aid in it, and that helped me pull the color out.

I just love using stencils on figures, especially around the neck area (a little throat chakra action, since I'm all about finding your voice of truth)

For the top of her head, I really just wanted to use just part of the stencil and I added color through the stencil. My paint may have been too watery but I kind of liked that it was a bit smudgy. It added to the dreamy effect.

I liked what was happening here but I wanted to play with it a bit more.

So I decided to add a variation of colors to through this stencil, using my little hand sponge.

This is "Breath of Light" as she is currently. I think I will still play with her some more.

Leave me a comment and let me know which is your favorite and share this blog post on social media, for a chance to win a set of Sacred Geometry 2. I will announce the winner on March 9th.

Also be sure to visit Lisa's blog next and check out all the wonderful artists participating in the blog hop...here is the schedule. 

February 29th - Lisa Cousineau/Artistcellar
http://artistcellar.com/blogs/news
 March 1st - Stephanie Gagos <------You are here
http://www.stephaniegagos.com/blog/  
March 2nd - Lisa Chin
somethingcleveraboutnothing.blogspot.com
 March 3rd - Linda Edkins Wyatt
http://lindaedkinswyatt.blogspot.com
March 4th - Sarah Trumpp
http://wonderstrange.com  
March 5th - Effy Wild
http://effybird.com     
March 6th - Guadalupe Brizuela Cabal
http://guadasartplace.blogspot.com

Ways of the Warrior

While in Italy about 2 and a half weeks in I received the news that someone close to me was the victim of a crime. Being so far away there was not much I could do. Communication was difficult, it was a complicated time and yet here I was in this most magical place.

I learned how to separate and somehow still enjoy my time there. I am not sure what those last three weeks would have been like without that news but I made the best of it and had the most amazing people around me who tried very hard to help me have a good time, despite my broken heart.

But when I returned, all the feelings I had put aside came flooding back. And seeing my loved one in that place of darkness and confusion and in a traumatic state was just heartbreaking and I could feel my own depression trying to take hold. I fought hard to maintain my light, my joy, my life and not completely fall apart and fall into fear. It was not easy in the least. I was scared for my loved one, I was scared for myself. I was lost really.

But I painted like crazy, I held on hard to my life. I needed to be strong, I needed to live that tattoo I got in Italy and continue to say yes to my life. I ate a lot and put on some pounds, I cried a lot, I confided in people close to me, I reached out for help when I needed it. I tried to be an example for my loved one. I would be of no use if I lost it too.

Looking back now, I think each and every piece I painted was either me owning the darkness or reclaiming the light. It was me clawing my way out and standing in the hope of better tomorrow. 

My loved one is in a much better place now, still healing but she is finding her own light again.

Me? I'm staying steady. I am honoring the fight with my warrior series but I'm also honoring that I don't really want to have to fight so hard anymore. That victory can be won with love, with being steady, with wisdom, strength, calm, and flow. It's a new layer of healing for me.

A History of Long Suffering and Healing

I am a long-sufferer.

I know how to tolerate the intolerable.

As a child I was powerless in relieving my own suffering. I cried myself to sleep a lot.

There was no way out. As I grew older I tried to run. I was sent back by my father, back to the angry grip of my mother time and time again. I learned "helplessness". ("Learned helplessness is behavior typical of an organism (human or animal) that has endured repeated painful or otherwise aversive stimuli which it was unable to escape or avoid.")

As an adult, I continued to tolerate the intolerable in my marriage and taught my daughter to be a long sufferer too. That part is even more painful. I stayed for far too long and did not protect my daughter. I suffered and made her suffer for a long time. It wasn't okay but I truly did not think I could leave. Like the elephant chained to the post for years, who when unchained doesn't leave his confined area, I also didn't know I could go. I knew I should, but I didn't know I could. 

 I left my mother's home, and then my father's home and then married never truly understanding that I had power. 

After I finally left my marriage, the body conflicts became stronger. Swapping one situation of helplessness it seemed for another. 

I often went long periods with physical symptoms that were unbearable at times until I couldn't take it any more. I know how to take pain, I know how to be with pain and on some level I learned early on that I deserved pain, that I should just take it. In fact the frequent beatings directly taught me how to tolerate pain. You have to do something when someone is hitting or slapping you and when you can't run, you learn how to dissociate from your body. I learned how to tolerate by checking out and it  became the way I lived.

It is a habitual way of being, I have to work on daily. And it isn't until something reaches a threshold of of intolerability which is much higher than that of other people, that I seem to wake up and realize what's happening and that I need to do something.  After that comes the shame at not having known sooner, at not being awake. How could I not know, why didn't I do anything sooner, what was a thinking? It is a deep shame at being "not normal", "broken" somehow. 

I am awake to it now and still it happens even if it's on a smaller scale.

Today as I sat on my kitchen floor trying to plug up a hole with steel wool so the mice don't get into my apartment, I just sat and sobbed. Why am I tolerating this? Every fall I have to deal with this, every fall I catch them, set them free until there are no more.  I hate it, I hate that I am living in this lovely apartment in a beautiful town and dealing with this. I hate that I stay and don't see any other way. That I shut down possibilities in my head because of my learned helplessness. And the sobbing isn't just about this pest issue, it's about the shame, and the guilt of not believing I deserve more or better. That's the part that gets me every single time. 

Even though I've come a long way, there are still remnants of this in me and the shame is strong around this. But to heal shame one must shine a light on it and this is what I'm doing here today.

What helps is to see how far I've come:

These days, I go pretty soon after developing any symptom that feels off. I'm learning to trust my body more. I've learned the hard way not to ignore my body.

I do not tolerate the intolerable in my friendships.

I am no longer in a toxic partnership.

I am able to communicate and articulate how I feel when I feel the need to stand up for myself. 

I still have work to do around boundaries in my familial relationships and to be more grounded in my environment and more aware.

If we are long sufferers I think it's important to examine the areas in our lives were we have high thresholds for pain. Where do you tolerate the intolerable? What are we believing about life and ourselves that keeps us in situations that are painful? 

Perhaps you we are believing we can't get any better than what we have. Perhaps we are afraid of failing, of being disappointed, of not being supported.

Some long held beliefs keep us in these situations and I believe we can heal those old stories and create a new story.

It's how I have lived my life, piece by piece reclaiming my right to love, to safety, to joy, to power, to abundance, to all that was denied me as a child. I believe we can all do it. And it will not happen all at once, there are layers, and life so clearly shows them to us even when we don't want to see, especially when we don't want to see. Leading us to that core wound of unworthiness and unlovability back to the truth of who we are, getting us closer to the truth if we can just stay awake enough feel it and see it.

I am Willing

People ask me how do I sell so many of my paintings. For perspective there are quite a few paintings I haven't sold and I don't sell all the time but if I was to pinpoint one thing that seems to be important in this process of selling and sharing my art with others, it would be this:

I keep showing up even when it's uncomfortable.

The person you see on FB and through various social media is real, but with that willingness to keep showing up and shine my light and share my gifts comes a struggle and battle within. Each step I take forward comes with a fear of not being accepted, of being misunderstood or not liked.   Just like anyone else I'm afraid of rejection, afraid of being on the outs, not included, not welcomed. It is a deep wound I actively work on everyday, to not assume that I am not worthy and valuable in the world. For so long it was my natural assumption after being raised by a mother who treated me as if I was not worthy of love and connection.

The voice from childhood says,  who are you to..sell your paintings, teach classes, have a group just for your art, go to Italy, be happy, be beautiful, be safe, to be seen, to be okay.

The moves I make in my life and business really come down to a willingness to keep showing up even when I'm uncomfortable, even when every move I make is made with that voice at times trying to pull me down into the safety of isolation and being hidden. 

The truth is there is a lot of discomfort coupled with joy and excitement every time I put my heart on the canvas and share it with others. But I'm willing, because I'm worth it, the work is worth it, what I am doing is way beyond me. Who I am not to do it?

And there is this beautiful inexplicable delight in watching something take form, not know why or how or where it came from and then to have someone confirm it is indeed theirs and was meant for them.

With my courses, I am reminded over and over how online experiences with other women all lifting each other up and with focused guidance and invitations into a deeper knowing, lives can been impacted in beautiful and profound ways.

If Spirit is working through me, my art, my writing, my courses, who am I not to show up. And so..

I am willing not to be liked,

I am willing to be seen.

I am willing to be misunderstood.

I am willing to be uncomfortable.

I am willing to serve.

I am willing to own my right to be here.

I am willing to shine my light, to remain open even when it's scary.

I am willing to say yes to my life and all of the infinite possibilities within this one life I have been given.

I am willing to repeatedly let go of the old voice and listen to my higher self.

I am willing and ready to wrap myself in the joy of living.

Are you willing to show up, to be seen, to share your gifts with your world even if it is uncomfortable, even if your voice shakes and your knees knock?

I hope so, because the world needs you. We need your voice, your gift, and the beauty of your existence. 

To join us for the next Journey of Yes Thursday, October 15th click here

Taking the Leap in Italy 2 and The Power of Saying YES

It has been three weeks since I came home from Italy and I am still in some ways processing the experience but there is a story I want to tell you.

I think this story is really important because we all struggle with feelings around scarcity, around trusting whether things will in fact work out if we take a leap and go for a dream in our lives. This is a true story of a real Journey of YES. It's not just me giving a class on it, it is me LIVING it and I really truly want you to have your own journey of yes, again and again. 

So this is how it went.

Before going to Italy, I had this plan to move out of my apartment.

My intention was to move out of my apartment, put my things in storage and go on a 43 day trip to Italy. The plan was to figure it all out when I came back.  A hernia issue put that move on hold and on June 18th, I sent out the following in my newsletter to my peeps. Pay close attention to the last part: 

"As many of you know my plan was to move out of my apartment before my trip to Italy. But my body said a resounding NO to that when my hernia started getting bigger as a result of all the packing. I've had the hernia for years, it's was small and never really bothered me.

I've decided to listen, back off and just enjoy my trip and not put the added pressure of a big move in the mix.

There is also another piece to the decision to move a few months ago and once I'm on solid ground with it, I'll share with all of you. I anticipate telling a very victorious story about all this in the end. Sorry to be vague, but I am still working through it."

So here is the truth about that other piece. 

The truth was that even though I know I need to leave this apartment at some point because I haven't been happy here for quite some time, the main reason was that I didn't believe I could keep my apartment AND go to Italy.  My mind could not wrap itself around being able to support myself completely in another country for 43 days and pay all my bills back home.

Scarcity thinking had me believing I could not make that happen. 

The gift of this hernia was that I had to make that happen. I had to find a way to make it to Italy, support myself while there and take care of everything back home. And the story I wanted to tell, was that not only did I do it, but I was able to cover everything, have the time of my life and paint and sell my paintings while there.

I am here to tell you that I did it!!

I freaking did it!!!

I not only paid all of my bills and expenses while in Italy but also some unexpected expenses related to Shelly (my doggie) that came up as well. And I even treated myself to my first tattoo !

So how in the heck did I do it?

Here's the behind the scenes story of how it played out.

I said yes to Italy before I had the money to go. My best friend Edie said I will pay half your ticket if you come. Of course at first I thought she was crazy, I thought of all the reasons why I could not go. Heck I don't even leaving my house for too many hours and I suffer from chronic pain daily, there was no way I could make it through that flight.

But at some point I realized I could not say no. There was no way I could pass up an opportunity of a lifetime and my family all encouraged me to go.

I had to go.

I said YES. I made the decision.   

Within a few days, the money showed up for the rest of my ticket and then some.

I booked it.

Still no idea how I would come up with the money for our shorter Rome trip, spending money, and pay all the bills while I was gone, but I was IN.

There was no turning back.

A part of me didn't believe I was going, or comprehend what I was about to do. It was just some fantasy in mind. Which is really how it goes when you want to do something you've never done before. You can't really wrap your mind around it, you have an idea of how it might go, but really you don't know and you just kind of have to trust it.

Even with selling my paintings, at the rate I do on average, it usually only covers the basics. That was the reality but when you are taking a leap of faith it's like you can't really look at reality...you kind of have to be slightly delusional.  

So how in the world was I going to come up with an extra two to three thousand dollars? 

Here is the thing, there is something about saying yes and actually booking something that leaves you no choice, that activates your mind in such a way that you begin thinking about all the ways you CAN do it. There is something about the power of saying yes even when you don't know the HOW of it yet that begins to transmit an opening into the universe that can now be filled..because you are open and clear that this IS going to happen, somehow, some way.

And it did.

Within a couple of weeks I had the money of the Rome trip, hotel and airfare.  Check.

Now all I needed was spending money and enough money to pay for everything back home. So instead of sitting back and hoping and praying and waiting, I decided to make a plan. I would work my way through Italy.

I would paint while there, paintings influenced by my time there. I sent supplies ahead and made lots of room for my flat canvas panels and other supplies in my suitcase. Edie was gracious enough to let me use her supplies as well as she set up her dining room table so that her and I had a space to work while I was there.

I also wanted a way to thank those who bought paintings before my trip and during since they were making the dream happen for me. So, I would also send a long little Italian gifts along with paintings. These little elements of gratitude mattered and contributed to what I call the waves of yes I kept riding on throughout the trip. 

The second part of this was the energetic part. The part where I would bring everyone along for the ride because I knew that for me that would amp my own excitement and strengthen my vibration while there. I am someone who loves to share her journey, I love to bring people along and share the joy. It's part of my personality. And so I shared everything every step of the way, I shared the art I was making, I captured every beautiful and inspiring moment I could. And that kept my energy high, and kept me inspired to create more and more paintings. In just 43 days minus the week in Rome when I didn't paint, I painted 16 paintings, plus one painting that was a collaboration with Edie. (seen below, isn't it beautiful?)

this painting is still available, email me at sgagos@aol.com for details

And the way the universe responded was by matching me up with people who were excited for me, who got something out of watching me fly, who were inspired to fly in their own lives. And in many ways those Italy paintings were symbols of hope and the great leap of faith I took. They were infused with a certain energy that was powerful and people responded to them and brought them home. Out of 16 paintings, 13 of them sold. And that paid for my trip, and everything I needed.

How cool is that?

I learned so much from this experience. I learned that saying yes is even more powerful than I thought it was and even though I have been facilitating cycles of the Journey of Yes and walking my talk, this is by far the biggest and bravest thing I have done in a very long time.

I really can say from this experience I know what it's like to take a big leap of faith, to trust the process, to trust that the universe (insert your word here) and you will be held if you believe. I lived it, I experienced it first hand. 

Was it a perfect journey, no, by no means.  While it has been one of the most expansive experiences of my life, I did have someone very close to me have a traumatic experience while I was gone and so the wounded part of me has definitely been piping in with thoughts like "you see, you can't totally be happy", "you see the shoe dropped", " but my work now is to continue to believe in the power of yes, to keep my faith in love and joy. To know that I am still being held, I am always held. To trust what experienced and take as much as I can from it going forward.

My faith is strong, so strong that it brought me to Italy and sustained me while there. Nothing can take that away. And so as you say yes, trust, be open, get clear, get ready, it's going to be one hell of a ride and it's so worth it.

You are worth it.

You can fly.

You just have to say YES from the deepest part of you, a real true, I am gonna freaking do it, come hell or high water kind of YES. It has to be that sure, that strong, until then you are not truly saying yes, you are saying maybe and the universe doesn't really know what to do with "maybe". 

Say yes for real. Get ready, dig in, make it happen, find a way , stay the course, trust, ride the waves baby. I'm proof that it can be done.

I really want to see you fly.

Join us for the next Journey of YES starting October 15th. Register here