Last night I did some work in my core energetics group around energy management and how I either go all out with my energy, or get really tired or feel too exposed and then retract and go inward.
How I'm really seeking a balance to this and how painful it is when I contract and close in on myself. In those moments I lose connection with myself, with others and I lose that delicious feeling of aliveness and totally lose my yes.
Much of my childhood was spent coming out and going back in. The going back in was usually from being shut down. I was being too much or too sensitive, or too out there, or had too much of an attitude. All the normal explorations of being a young woman, of finding my way were met with physical or emotional violence.
I never learned to manage my energy, to understand my own impulses, how my desires and wants and needs mattered and how to regulate my own nervous system. The unfortunate result of this is that even excitement and joy can be experienced as a threat and I am not accustomed to balance.
I didn't really know what I needed help with last night, but I knew I needed to do a piece of work, I knew that lately, I wasn't quite feeling as grounded and centered as I wanted to be and that recently there had been a pulling back when what I really wanted deep down is to step IN (in my life, my business, my relationships).
I stood in front of the group and described this feeling of being so out there, that I felt exposed and how at times the compliments were so delightful yet hard for me to absorb fully. I felt like I was on a fast moving train and my energy was swirling and leaking everywhere and I didn't know how to balance it and be in it, really BE in it with complete presence.
The facilitator had me step in and I took a baby step in and immediately felt the tears come and my hands go up to my eyes as if to stop the tears from coming.
My inner little girl came up strongly in that moment and I could hear myself say in a squeaky childlike voice: "it's so scary out there". They asked me what I was afraid of and I heard the little voice say "everything".
And so the next part of the process was to get me to make contact visually with people in the room, to hit the cube with I don't want to step in, and to be IN that (in core energetics we use a cushioned cube and a tennis racket or bat to move energy that is stagnant or blocking us)
I vacillated back and forth with wanting to step in and wanting to NOT step in, with hitting then wanting to collapse and not hit and not move energy. It felt very much like my pattern in life.
At some point I was asked to speak from my truth, and say something that is true to each person and as I went around the room, I l said: I love to paint, I love to write, I love to teach, I want to be safe, I want to be in love, I want to deepen my connection to spirit.
I could feel my nervous system start to regulate, I could feel myself get more grounded, I could feel my center, the more I spoke from my core, the more I breathed deeply and spoke my truth and connected to the loving souls in the room.
The facilitator, helped me re-framed the I want part and asked me to say "I am" instead and so I worked with I am safe which felt not true until I said I am safe in this room with all of you and that felt so completely true.
I re-framed I want to be in love and said I am IN love all the time, I am loved by so many people and that felt true too and I cried some more.
Then finally I said, I am connected to spirit in everything I do, everything. I felt that to my very core. That it didn't matter whether I was painting, writing or teaching a class, spirit was working through me.
I can't tell you how powerful this was, how I could feel myself changing throughout.
They asked me what's the difference between the other place and this place I am in and I said I feel aligned, I feel centered and grounded. And I was asked, how do you know, what are the physical cues. I said I am sitting taller, I can feel straighter inside, even my voice is different.
Today, I am returning to this place of managing my energy, of balancing presence with myself and others, of receiving from a place of presence, of breathing it all in and not losing myself in the process. Today I am standing taller, and breathing more deeply, more aligned with the truth of who I am. It is in these pieces of work, that I find myself again and again and they truly allow me to do my work in the world.